I can’t talk on the phone and swing my canoe-paddle-of-death at the same time

I would choose a canoe paddle. It has extended reach, a wide blunt end to clobber someone upside the head, not to mention a sleek pinewood finish. With the paddle I could (and will) reek havoc.

Okay, who has pissed of Patrick and why does he want to use a canoe paddle to avenge himself?

Fellow reader, I am not talking about seeking revenge or causing assault and battery I am only preparing myself for the Zombie Apocalypse!

You might have heard a rumor or seen a flyer advertising a “Zombie Walk,” but I am here to confirm the rumors/warn everyone of the coming battle. Its not if it will happen but its a matter of  when it will happen.

Oh, Patrick you are just jumping on the bandwagon of “Zombie-Mania,” ya know, with Zombieland out in theaters and Halloween coming up. Stop pulling our leg and blog about your Krispy Kreme thingie again.

Dear reader, pick a weapon (a swing-able object is best, i.e. baseball bat, axe, crowbar, etc.) to protect yourself with. If you are too scared of bashing half-dead people over the head you might as well join ’em. Once, the apocalypse comes you are to fend off the Zombies while trying to be rescued by someone you probably will never meet. 1797581548_c27dad23b3

If you have me cell number give me a call (provided that the cell towers are still working,) actually better yet, just hide out on top a tall building (I can’t talk on the phone and swing my canoe-paddle-of-death at the same time, requires two hands.) Me and my Zombie killing wingman, Matt, will commandeer a gasoline tanker truck  and begin to make our way to Wilmington, North Carolina.

Why Wilmington, North Carolina; Patrick?

Well reader, Wilmington is where the master minds of Zombie Apocalypse Survival (McCrary, Cash, Lee, and Riley) are holding out until we get there with more supplies (hence the tanker truck.) There we will continue to fend off the naive Zombies (and have fun doing it) while we draw out a rescue plan for you and your friends (non Zombies only.)

Have no fear, we will come to your aid. Just remember one thing: Kill everyone that gets infected. Harsh words, especially if it is your roommate or sibling but they would want you to hit them upside the face with a baseball bat,trust me.

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One thought on “I can’t talk on the phone and swing my canoe-paddle-of-death at the same time

  1. wilmington is also strategic because it backs up to the ocean which is helpful in not getting surrounded. and i would go with a unicycle, cause when not swinging it i could just ride away.

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